Awake

Happy October Everyone! (^o^)

It’s officially autumn here; I love this season more than any other. I love the cool weather and the changing leaves. It seems as though this year has flown by so fast.

Well last week was my 21^st birthday and as planned I spent it with my friends at AWA. All things considered it was actually rather nice. I was actually contemplating all the way until the day before my flight should I even go, I mean even if the flight was essentially free any other resources put into the trip could go to Japan right? Well as it turns out the trip was well worth it, if for any other reason I came to many conclusions and made many discoveries about my circle of friends and ultimately about myself.

I came back on late Sunday night and started work that next morning. I’m not sure if I mentioned this already or not but I am (or was) currently working 2 ½ jobs, between that I was studying or planning out my trip, barely any time for rest or sleep. Well on Tuesday it all finally caught up to me. On my way to meet up with a friend of mine I passed out and had to be taken to the hospital, a result of little sleep, not eating and not taking my meds for a week. Afterward I got a thorough lecturing from my mom on how I am overworking myself and how I will relapse again if I don’t take better care of myself, this that and the third. You know, overly concerned mother things. XD

In all seriousness I know she is right. I know I’m working too much and with my weak respiratory system I should be taking better care of myself, which is why I decided to leave one of my jobs. That was one of three signs I received this week. The first sign I got at AWA on Sunday afternoon in the dealers hall when I saw…a certain photo card…on sale at one of the jrock booths. The other sign is rather personal and I don’t feel comfortable writing about it here, it’s rather corny. *bitter laugh*

I knew it in my heart but it took these two signs for me to realize it completely. One of the things I realized at AWA was how very; very badly I wanted to go to PMX. I wasn’t going to but 2 guests will be there this year that I missed at 2 different cons this year; one of them is Masumi Kano, one of the Baby the Stars Shine Bright designers who I missed at Anime Matsuri earlier this year.

The second, and most special is their band this year: Moon Stream. Moon Stream is made up of 2 of my most all time favorite artists in the Jrock world, guitarist Tomo Asaha from the band echostream and vocalist Satsuki. I’ve met Tomo 3 times now but I’ve NEVER met Satsuki and I’ve been wanting to meet him for going on 7 years now and to make things worse he’s actually been to the US several times including AWA last year with Moon Stream, which is why I was so especially pissed abt not being able to make it last year. Also earlier this year at Anime Next but I missed that too, and that was only 2 hours away from were I live!!! ;______;

I really want to see Satsuki, in some ways actually more than I want to see Versailles. I’ve been his fan longer than I’ve been into Versailles and every time he’s been here I’ve missed it making it even more frustrating. Though PMX probably won’t be the last time he will be stateside something is telling me to at least make a try for it.

And that’s when I came to probably my most important discovery: while I love Versailles more than anyone can ever realize I simply can’t make this trip work within reason. The fact that I am practically working myself into another relapse should be reason enough for me to scrub this mission. I love Versailles but my health is extremely important to me and since I partially owe their music to why I’ve managed to go on living this long I don’t think they would like the fact I’m pushing myself to my limit to make this trip work.

Also, in the last few weeks I’ve been realizing more and more that this trip was becoming less about seeing Versailles at their final concert and more about feeling superior to certain people by having an absolutely amazing blowout trip with an all new brand wardrobe and hitting up as many shops, cafes and shows as possible and in that way somehow proving something to myself. But that’s rather silly isn’t it?

If I ever get the opportunity to finally see Versailles or any of its amazing members perform in real life I want it to be an amazing experience without worry or insecurity issues. I want to have so much fun that I practically explode from pure joy. I don’t want to think about what brand dress I’m wearing, if I got a decent spot at the show, if I get to meet them afterward, if people will be gloating to me afterward trying to make me feel bad, etc. I want it to be an experience without any regrets at all. And if I ever get the opportunity to go to Japan, again I want to be an experience without any regrets at all. I want to be as ready as I will ever be.

 

I feel like part of my love for Versailles has died in these preparations for the trip and I worry if I go it may completely fade away and I don’t want that to happen. That’s one of the main reasons I have decided to not go to Japan this December, to preserve that love I have for them. And if they ever do revive, I know it will be stronger than ever.

Through certain events that went down thorough the weekend I finally came to the conclusion that I’ve been looking for all along. I know I’m a good and beautiful person inside and out, though a lot of people don’t realize it, it’s their loss. I know. I don’t need to make others feel inferior to feel like I have worth, not anymore. I am actually now going to make a honest to God effort to better myself going forward into the future. I’ve tried in the past but now I have the mindset to truly make this effort work this time. I know I’m not perfect, I never will be, but you know what? It’s ok. I no longer hate myself so passionately like before and I want to keep it that way.

God, this post has become WAY longer than it should have. ;>_____<  At this point I am just rambling. Ok, well as far as the immediate future goes, I’m not going to Japan; I’m going to PMX. I’m currently planning out my outfits and gifts to give to Moon Stream all while I have Satsuki’s music on repeat (hence the title of this blog. Lmao) I’m going to meet him at long last and meet Tomo again for the 4^th time now! ;XD And you know what? I will have not a single regret about it.

Yours Jasmine

Pretty in Pink~

Hello everyone!

So now it’s a little more than a month until AM2 and it’s now more or less set in stone for sure that I am going! I wish they would hurry up and announce all of their guests though, so far the only guests they’ve announced that I’m interested in are IBI of Sixh, and the designers of the punk-sweet brand Putumayo.

But either way I’m going. In addition to working extra hours to ensure I will have enough money to go along with my classes at the couture school, I’ve been pretty busy this last month which is why I’ve neglected writing more. >____< Also for awhile I was feeling very depressed about a lot of things but for now I think I’ve gotten a grip on it and am feeling a little better. I think. Mostly because I’ve had this song on eternal repeat. XD

In any case today a package came for me this morning. Afew weeks ago I bought a dress from a very sweet girl on the egl comm. sales and it finally arrived today. The “Dolly Shirring” OP from Angelic Pretty.

I decided to buy this back when there was still the possibility that I might be going to ACEN, which in the end I didn’t go to neither. ;___; Now I’m not much of a sweet lolita girl, I prefer darker, more elegant dresses but I actually really like this dress a lot and it’s one of the few sweeter dresses I think flatters me well. <3

And it’s getting warmer too. Summers in Baltimore are brutal and I’ve been wanting to add more OP’s to my wardrobe anyway, preferably ones with short/cap sleeves and pastel colored ones because they are easy to coordinate and wear in warmer weather. This is the second one I’ve gotten this year.

So this is my second time in really sweet lolita, I think I’d like to try more sweet coords as summer progresses. What do you think??

Dress~ Angelic Pretty

Socks, shoes and strawberry bag~ Bodyline

White heart bag~ h.Naoto FRILL

Bow clips~ Taken off a Bodyline JSK

Wrist cuffs~ Baby the Stars Shine Bright

Pearl jewelry~ Offbrand

And some more nails I made last month with the theme “Petals and Pearls”.

I think I’ll wear this when I go to Disneyland the day before AM2. All in all I’m very satisfied with this dress, it’s got a very nice feel to it AND has a built in petticoat and hidden pockets too.  The seller was very nice too, she even added a box of strawberry pocky with the package. :3

I’m also selling some of my lolita items too! You can view what I am selling here:

 http://www.facebook.com/#!/media/set/?set=a.3067281885797.2123973.1376060351&type=3

Well, hope you all have a nice rest of the week. :)

Yours Jasmine

Outfit post + New nail art~

It was such a nice day today, the first very nice day of the year. So I decided to dress up in lolita for my daily errands and class today.

I recently got a bunch of new things from bodyline. This is my favorite new piece, my “Love Nadia” dress; it’s such a cute, comfortable, and versatile piece and I love it! ^.^

Dress: Bodyline

Wristcuffs: Baby the Stars Shine Bright

Everything else: Offbrand

And some new nail art I made recently, they matched my dress very nicely if I do say so myself! <3 I themed these nails on one of my favorite musicians and inspirations, Jasmine You. He was the bassist of the band Versailles Philharmonic Quintet.

As you can probably tell, I kind of have a thing for beautiful bass players. >__< But beyond his amazing musical skills I really admired Jasmine for his very elegant, sexy sense of style and his sweet personality. Sadly he left this world back in August 2009, but he is most certainly not forgotten and even now the members of Versailles refer to him as the “eternal member”, indeed he is! March 8^th 2012 was his 33^rd birthday, interestingly enough he also really loved elaborate nail art and that’s actually how I became interested in it; not through gyaru, through Jasmine You.

Happy belated birthday, my amethyst angel! :-)

Well that’s all for now, as it’s finally getting nicer weather wise I really want to start dressing in lolita more often now and also start trying out gyaru more! In the meantime, hope everyone is having a nice week!

Yours Jasmine

PS

Anime Matsuri is now less than a month away! I’m so excited! Who else is also going?? :)

Coming to terms with myself and bull**** beauty standards

NOTE ABOUT THIS BLOG:

I wasn’t going to post this.

I contemplated for a long time about writing about this, even though it’s something I’ve had issues with for nearly 2 years. I was very close to posting this blog right after Otakon, but decided against it at the last minute. But several of my friends/confidants encouraged me to…so here it is at last.

This subject is a sensitive one, and this entry is only meant to be matter-of-fact. It is NOT meant to be self-pitying, self-defeating, a butthard rant, or offensive. I’m not singling out anyone. It is my sincere hope that you’ll understand what I mean when I speak about certain subjects in this entry. BUT on the other hand, this is MY blog, which means it’s MY space for MY opinion. So while I certainly don’t mind respecting opinions that differ from mine, I expect my opinion to be respected as well, especially on MY blog.

Thanks in advance for your consideration.

Like I mentioned in my most about Otakon, I did not attend any of the Lolita-related events that weekend. Actually it is a VERY rare thing for me to involve myself with any of the activities of my local community. I do hope to change that one day. One of the reasons I don’t is (and I’ll be the first to admit that PART of it is because of my social anxiety/awkwardness, but that’s not all of it) is because the few times I TRIED to be social in my local community, I always got a very cold, unwelcoming vibe. This is especially clear on the last day of Otakon when me and Bianca were to the BABY/ALICE signing. I really don’t want to get into that thought, and honestly, if they were being intentionally cold then IDGAF about being a social Loli.

In a few months I’ll go to Anime Matsuri, and not only with the BABY/ALICE designers be there, but also the founder/CEO Isobe-Sama, and the popular KERA model Midori! There will also be a tea party and I really want to go, but I’m worried about running into more rude Lolitas, since I’ve heard that Texas’ Loli community is very large compared to Maryland’s. I’m sure it will happen.

But I’m starting to get off topic now. The main reason I did not go to any of the Lolita events at Otakon and the reason why I am feeling anxious about Anime Matsuri is this:

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always hated the way I look, especially my weight. Although some people may disagree, I honestly feel like I’m a repulsive freak sometimes. I’m not really ideally pretty based on society’s standards, and I’m a size 12. Yet despite this, Lolita fashion is one of the few things that truly makes me feel beautiful. I feel like my true, ideal self comes out in my clothes. Sadly, Lolita fashion, in addition to being one of the few things that makes me feel beautiful, is also one of the many things that can make me feel extremely ugly sometimes.

Ever since getting into Lolita fashion, I’ve always wanted to model in a fashion show, or more specifically a brand fashion show. I’ve been to a few and I’ve always fallen in love with how lovely and perfect everyone looked. It’s a dream of mine but it will probably never come true, and to me that is just a confirmation of all the insecurities I mentioned above.

At Otakon, I was denied for all the fashion shows and I am 99% sure I will probably be denied for BABY/ALICE’s fashion show at Anime Matsuri. I had wanted to wait until I reached my weight loss goal but there was no way I could reach it by the application deadline without getting seriously ill. I’m not really angry or sad, honestly it is just once again a painful reminder of a dream that will probably never happen and all the things I can never be. What is worse is that it is my own entire fault. There is no one else to blame for my weight but me.

If I was not born with curves or the fact that I love to eat, I could be the perfect Lolita, right? IF I only had the discipline to skip a few meals, then maybe I could reach my weight loss goals faster, right? Even if I pushed my weak heart to its limit trying to be tin it would be better than being fat, at least I could be beautiful in death, right?

NO.

Of course not. That is absolutely ridiculous. But that is the mentality I see sometimes and THAT is what this entry is about.

For me, the first few weeks of this New Year I have been thinking about something and now I am sure. This year, instead of trying to lose 20 pounds and be a size 6, I will instead work to try to be healthier in general. Right now I am at a good size. My BMI is normal and I am nowhere near obese. And beyond that, I  admit that my reasons for wanting to lose weight are kind of stupid.

The fact is I am just a naturally curvy girl. I’m not meant to be a size 6. It would be stupid to compare my body to that of a Japanese girl, or that of a Caucasian girl. Everyone’s body is different, which brings me to the main point of this entry.

This pressure to fit into Lolita brands, the pressure to meet the standards of beauty placed on Lolitas by the elitist cunts, the hate and shaming of those who can’t meet those standards…IT’S ALL A BUNCH OF STUPID SUPERFICIAL PETTY BULLSHIT!!

Seriously, a plus-sized Lolita can be just as well-dressed as a smaller girl. An African-American girl can look just as elegant and cute as a Japanese Loli. Everyone can be beautiful.

It really hurts that some people really do feel like because I’m a size 12 I should not dress in the fashion I love. So, just because I’m not a Japanese size 2, I should not be a Lolita, or a good one at that? Are bigger girls just not supposed to dress beautifully and enjoy this fashion because some narrow people are offended by that? Are we to feel shame just because of who we are and do not meet their “standards”?

Again…NO.

I’m not giving up on myself. By coming to terms with my body, I hope to find more acceptance in myself than I do now. If I do lose weight I want it to be for me and not for the approval of shallow people. And honestly, that should apply to everyone.

Will I get accepted for the BABY/ALICE fashion show? Probably not. Will I ever be able to be even a semi-successful model? Again, probably not. But it’s okay. AT the moment I still feel ugly and repulsive, but I will work hard in 2012 to try and feel beautiful, to see what my friends see. And I will NOT let anyone’s standards stand in my way any longer.

Yours Jasmine