NOTE ABOUT THIS BLOG:
I wasn’t going to post this.
I contemplated for a long time about writing about this, even though it’s something I’ve had issues with for nearly 2 years. I was very close to posting this blog right after Otakon, but decided against it at the last minute. But several of my friends/confidants encouraged me to…so here it is at last.
This subject is a sensitive one, and this entry is only meant to be matter-of-fact. It is NOT meant to be self-pitying, self-defeating, a butthard rant, or offensive. I’m not singling out anyone. It is my sincere hope that you’ll understand what I mean when I speak about certain subjects in this entry. BUT on the other hand, this is MY blog, which means it’s MY space for MY opinion. So while I certainly don’t mind respecting opinions that differ from mine, I expect my opinion to be respected as well, especially on MY blog.
Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Like I mentioned in my most about Otakon, I did not attend any of the Lolita-related events that weekend. Actually it is a VERY rare thing for me to involve myself with any of the activities of my local community. I do hope to change that one day. One of the reasons I don’t is (and I’ll be the first to admit that PART of it is because of my social anxiety/awkwardness, but that’s not all of it) is because the few times I TRIED to be social in my local community, I always got a very cold, unwelcoming vibe. This is especially clear on the last day of Otakon when me and Bianca were to the BABY/ALICE signing. I really don’t want to get into that thought, and honestly, if they were being intentionally cold then IDGAF about being a social Loli.
In a few months I’ll go to Anime Matsuri, and not only with the BABY/ALICE designers be there, but also the founder/CEO Isobe-Sama, and the popular KERA model Midori! There will also be a tea party and I really want to go, but I’m worried about running into more rude Lolitas, since I’ve heard that Texas’ Loli community is very large compared to Maryland’s. I’m sure it will happen.
But I’m starting to get off topic now. The main reason I did not go to any of the Lolita events at Otakon and the reason why I am feeling anxious about Anime Matsuri is this:
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always hated the way I look, especially my weight. Although some people may disagree, I honestly feel like I’m a repulsive freak sometimes. I’m not really ideally pretty based on society’s standards, and I’m a size 12. Yet despite this, Lolita fashion is one of the few things that truly makes me feel beautiful. I feel like my true, ideal self comes out in my clothes. Sadly, Lolita fashion, in addition to being one of the few things that makes me feel beautiful, is also one of the many things that can make me feel extremely ugly sometimes.
Ever since getting into Lolita fashion, I’ve always wanted to model in a fashion show, or more specifically a brand fashion show. I’ve been to a few and I’ve always fallen in love with how lovely and perfect everyone looked. It’s a dream of mine but it will probably never come true, and to me that is just a confirmation of all the insecurities I mentioned above.
At Otakon, I was denied for all the fashion shows and I am 99% sure I will probably be denied for BABY/ALICE’s fashion show at Anime Matsuri. I had wanted to wait until I reached my weight loss goal but there was no way I could reach it by the application deadline without getting seriously ill. I’m not really angry or sad, honestly it is just once again a painful reminder of a dream that will probably never happen and all the things I can never be. What is worse is that it is my own entire fault. There is no one else to blame for my weight but me.
If I was not born with curves or the fact that I love to eat, I could be the perfect Lolita, right? IF I only had the discipline to skip a few meals, then maybe I could reach my weight loss goals faster, right? Even if I pushed my weak heart to its limit trying to be tin it would be better than being fat, at least I could be beautiful in death, right?
Of course not. That is absolutely ridiculous. But that is the mentality I see sometimes and THAT is what this entry is about.
For me, the first few weeks of this New Year I have been thinking about something and now I am sure. This year, instead of trying to lose 20 pounds and be a size 6, I will instead work to try to be healthier in general. Right now I am at a good size. My BMI is normal and I am nowhere near obese. And beyond that, I admit that my reasons for wanting to lose weight are kind of stupid.
The fact is I am just a naturally curvy girl. I’m not meant to be a size 6. It would be stupid to compare my body to that of a Japanese girl, or that of a Caucasian girl. Everyone’s body is different, which brings me to the main point of this entry.
This pressure to fit into Lolita brands, the pressure to meet the standards of beauty placed on Lolitas by the elitist cunts, the hate and shaming of those who can’t meet those standards…IT’S ALL A BUNCH OF STUPID SUPERFICIAL PETTY BULLSHIT!!
Seriously, a plus-sized Lolita can be just as well-dressed as a smaller girl. An African-American girl can look just as elegant and cute as a Japanese Loli. Everyone can be beautiful.
It really hurts that some people really do feel like because I’m a size 12 I should not dress in the fashion I love. So, just because I’m not a Japanese size 2, I should not be a Lolita, or a good one at that? Are bigger girls just not supposed to dress beautifully and enjoy this fashion because some narrow people are offended by that? Are we to feel shame just because of who we are and do not meet their “standards”?
I’m not giving up on myself. By coming to terms with my body, I hope to find more acceptance in myself than I do now. If I do lose weight I want it to be for me and not for the approval of shallow people. And honestly, that should apply to everyone.
Will I get accepted for the BABY/ALICE fashion show? Probably not. Will I ever be able to be even a semi-successful model? Again, probably not. But it’s okay. AT the moment I still feel ugly and repulsive, but I will work hard in 2012 to try and feel beautiful, to see what my friends see. And I will NOT let anyone’s standards stand in my way any longer.