Awake

Happy October Everyone! (^o^)

It’s officially autumn here; I love this season more than any other. I love the cool weather and the changing leaves. It seems as though this year has flown by so fast.

Well last week was my 21^st birthday and as planned I spent it with my friends at AWA. All things considered it was actually rather nice. I was actually contemplating all the way until the day before my flight should I even go, I mean even if the flight was essentially free any other resources put into the trip could go to Japan right? Well as it turns out the trip was well worth it, if for any other reason I came to many conclusions and made many discoveries about my circle of friends and ultimately about myself.

I came back on late Sunday night and started work that next morning. I’m not sure if I mentioned this already or not but I am (or was) currently working 2 ½ jobs, between that I was studying or planning out my trip, barely any time for rest or sleep. Well on Tuesday it all finally caught up to me. On my way to meet up with a friend of mine I passed out and had to be taken to the hospital, a result of little sleep, not eating and not taking my meds for a week. Afterward I got a thorough lecturing from my mom on how I am overworking myself and how I will relapse again if I don’t take better care of myself, this that and the third. You know, overly concerned mother things. XD

In all seriousness I know she is right. I know I’m working too much and with my weak respiratory system I should be taking better care of myself, which is why I decided to leave one of my jobs. That was one of three signs I received this week. The first sign I got at AWA on Sunday afternoon in the dealers hall when I saw…a certain photo card…on sale at one of the jrock booths. The other sign is rather personal and I don’t feel comfortable writing about it here, it’s rather corny. *bitter laugh*

I knew it in my heart but it took these two signs for me to realize it completely. One of the things I realized at AWA was how very; very badly I wanted to go to PMX. I wasn’t going to but 2 guests will be there this year that I missed at 2 different cons this year; one of them is Masumi Kano, one of the Baby the Stars Shine Bright designers who I missed at Anime Matsuri earlier this year.

The second, and most special is their band this year: Moon Stream. Moon Stream is made up of 2 of my most all time favorite artists in the Jrock world, guitarist Tomo Asaha from the band echostream and vocalist Satsuki. I’ve met Tomo 3 times now but I’ve NEVER met Satsuki and I’ve been wanting to meet him for going on 7 years now and to make things worse he’s actually been to the US several times including AWA last year with Moon Stream, which is why I was so especially pissed abt not being able to make it last year. Also earlier this year at Anime Next but I missed that too, and that was only 2 hours away from were I live!!! ;______;

I really want to see Satsuki, in some ways actually more than I want to see Versailles. I’ve been his fan longer than I’ve been into Versailles and every time he’s been here I’ve missed it making it even more frustrating. Though PMX probably won’t be the last time he will be stateside something is telling me to at least make a try for it.

And that’s when I came to probably my most important discovery: while I love Versailles more than anyone can ever realize I simply can’t make this trip work within reason. The fact that I am practically working myself into another relapse should be reason enough for me to scrub this mission. I love Versailles but my health is extremely important to me and since I partially owe their music to why I’ve managed to go on living this long I don’t think they would like the fact I’m pushing myself to my limit to make this trip work.

Also, in the last few weeks I’ve been realizing more and more that this trip was becoming less about seeing Versailles at their final concert and more about feeling superior to certain people by having an absolutely amazing blowout trip with an all new brand wardrobe and hitting up as many shops, cafes and shows as possible and in that way somehow proving something to myself. But that’s rather silly isn’t it?

If I ever get the opportunity to finally see Versailles or any of its amazing members perform in real life I want it to be an amazing experience without worry or insecurity issues. I want to have so much fun that I practically explode from pure joy. I don’t want to think about what brand dress I’m wearing, if I got a decent spot at the show, if I get to meet them afterward, if people will be gloating to me afterward trying to make me feel bad, etc. I want it to be an experience without any regrets at all. And if I ever get the opportunity to go to Japan, again I want to be an experience without any regrets at all. I want to be as ready as I will ever be.

 

I feel like part of my love for Versailles has died in these preparations for the trip and I worry if I go it may completely fade away and I don’t want that to happen. That’s one of the main reasons I have decided to not go to Japan this December, to preserve that love I have for them. And if they ever do revive, I know it will be stronger than ever.

Through certain events that went down thorough the weekend I finally came to the conclusion that I’ve been looking for all along. I know I’m a good and beautiful person inside and out, though a lot of people don’t realize it, it’s their loss. I know. I don’t need to make others feel inferior to feel like I have worth, not anymore. I am actually now going to make a honest to God effort to better myself going forward into the future. I’ve tried in the past but now I have the mindset to truly make this effort work this time. I know I’m not perfect, I never will be, but you know what? It’s ok. I no longer hate myself so passionately like before and I want to keep it that way.

God, this post has become WAY longer than it should have. ;>_____<  At this point I am just rambling. Ok, well as far as the immediate future goes, I’m not going to Japan; I’m going to PMX. I’m currently planning out my outfits and gifts to give to Moon Stream all while I have Satsuki’s music on repeat (hence the title of this blog. Lmao) I’m going to meet him at long last and meet Tomo again for the 4^th time now! ;XD And you know what? I will have not a single regret about it.

Yours Jasmine