Happy October Everyone! (^o^)
It’s officially autumn here; I love this season more than
any other. I love the cool weather and the changing leaves. It seems as though
this year has flown by so fast.
Well last week was my 21st birthday and as
planned I spent it with my friends at AWA. All things considered it was
actually rather nice. I was actually contemplating all the way until the day
before my flight should I even go, I mean even if the flight was essentially
free any other resources put into the trip could go to Japan right? Well as it
turns out the trip was well worth it, if for any other reason I came to many
conclusions and made many discoveries about my circle of friends and ultimately
about myself.
I came back on late Sunday night and started work that next
morning. I’m not sure if I mentioned this already or not but I am (or was)
currently working 2 ½ jobs, between that I was studying or planning out my
trip, barely any time for rest or sleep. Well on Tuesday it all finally caught
up to me. On my way to meet up with a friend of mine I passed out and had to be
taken to the hospital, a result of little sleep, not eating and not taking my
meds for a week. Afterward I got a thorough lecturing from my mom on how I am
overworking myself and how I will relapse again if I don’t take better care of
myself, this that and the third. You know, overly concerned mother things. XD
In all seriousness I know she is right. I know I’m working
too much and with my weak respiratory system I should be taking better care of
myself, which is why I decided to leave one of my jobs. That was one of three
signs I received this week. The first sign I got at AWA on Sunday afternoon in
the dealers hall when I saw…a certain photo card…on sale at one of the jrock
booths. The other sign is rather personal and I don’t feel comfortable writing
about it here, it’s rather corny. *bitter laugh*
I knew it in my heart but it took these two signs for me to
realize it completely. One of the things I realized at AWA was how very; very
badly I wanted to go to PMX. I wasn’t going to but 2 guests will be there this
year that I missed at 2 different cons this year; one of them is Masumi Kano,
one of the Baby the Stars Shine Bright designers who I missed at Anime Matsuri
earlier this year.
The second, and most special is their band this year: Moon
Stream. Moon Stream is made up of 2 of my most all time favorite artists in the
Jrock world, guitarist Tomo Asaha from the band echostream and vocalist
Satsuki. I’ve met Tomo 3 times now but I’ve NEVER met Satsuki and I’ve been
wanting to meet him for going on 7 years now and to make things worse he’s
actually been to the US several times including AWA last year with Moon Stream,
which is why I was so especially pissed abt not being able to make it last
year. Also earlier this year at Anime Next but I missed that too, and that was
only 2 hours away from were I live!!! ;______;
I really want to see Satsuki, in some ways actually more
than I want to see Versailles. I’ve been his fan longer than I’ve been into
Versailles and every time he’s been here I’ve missed it making it even more
frustrating. Though PMX probably won’t be the last time he will be stateside
something is telling me to at least make a try for it.
And that’s when I came to probably my most important
discovery: while I love Versailles more than anyone can ever realize I simply
can’t make this trip work within reason. The fact that I am practically working
myself into another relapse should be reason enough for me to scrub this
mission. I love Versailles but my health is extremely important to me and since
I partially owe their music to why I’ve managed to go on living this long I
don’t think they would like the fact I’m pushing myself to my limit to make
this trip work.
Also, in the last few weeks I’ve been realizing more and
more that this trip was becoming less about seeing Versailles at their final
concert and more about feeling superior to certain people by having an
absolutely amazing blowout trip with an all new brand wardrobe and hitting up
as many shops, cafes and shows as possible and in that way somehow proving
something to myself. But that’s rather silly isn’t it?
If I ever get the opportunity to finally see Versailles or
any of its amazing members perform in real life I want it to be an amazing
experience without worry or insecurity issues. I want to have so much fun that
I practically explode from pure joy. I don’t want to think about what brand
dress I’m wearing, if I got a decent spot at the show, if I get to meet them
afterward, if people will be gloating to me afterward trying to make me feel
bad, etc. I want it to be an experience without any regrets at all. And if I
ever get the opportunity to go to Japan, again I want to be an experience
without any regrets at all. I want to be as ready as I will ever be.
I feel like part of my love for Versailles has died in these
preparations for the trip and I worry if I go it may completely fade away and I
don’t want that to happen. That’s one of the main reasons I have decided to not
go to Japan this December, to preserve that love I have for them. And if they
ever do revive, I know it will be stronger than ever.
Through certain events that went down thorough the weekend I
finally came to the conclusion that I’ve been looking for all along. I know I’m
a good and beautiful person inside and out, though a lot of people don’t
realize it, it’s their loss. I know. I don’t need to make others feel inferior
to feel like I have worth, not anymore. I am actually now going to make a
honest to God effort to better myself going forward into the future. I’ve tried
in the past but now I have the mindset to truly make this effort work this
time. I know I’m not perfect, I never will be, but you know what? It’s ok. I no
longer hate myself so passionately like before and I want to keep it that way.
God, this post has become WAY longer than it should have.
;>_____< At this point I am just
rambling. Ok, well as far as the immediate future goes, I’m not going to Japan;
I’m going to PMX. I’m currently planning out my outfits and gifts to give to
Moon Stream all while I have Satsuki’s music on repeat (hence the title of this
blog. Lmao) I’m going to meet him at long last and meet Tomo again for the 4th
time now! ;XD And you know what? I will have not a single regret about it.
Yours Jasmine
Very great , I will help you to work on the Mind in Heart of your more, until you can see what i do , i see no flaws in you *hugs*
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