Saturday, January 10, 2015

The Year of the Sheep

Hello everyone and Happy New Year!

So…yeah…another hiatus. But it’s so difficult to want to write when so much has been going on with my life. This post I’ve actually been thinking about writing for a while now and I thought it would be best to make it a new years post.

I’m going to be honest, with the exception of a few things, 2014 had to be the most stressful year I’ve had to deal with in a very long time and also one of the worst years in recent memory for my self esteem. My self hatred rose to an all new high last year to the point that I don’t think a single month or week went by were I did not contemplate suicide. Even though I had hoped to make my first ever wardrobe post in 2015, I ended selling off a good chunk of my wardrobe late last year. It seemed like everything was going straight to hell and there was no hope left for me at all. It has affected everything from my relationships with friends to my confidence in my writing and fashion skills.

A lot of the source of my anguish has been a mix of battling my self hatred and loosing more than winning and also a continuation of a lot of friend drama that actually started back in 2012/2013. I thought it was over but things once again hit the fan back in May and continued throughout the year. At AUSA I found out through mutual friends a few things that really shocked and upset me but finally put a lot of things into perspective.

I came to the realization that a lot of troubles I have been having in jfashion and the like, even my self hatred to a lesser extent are all routed from one particular source. I’m not going to name that source out loud but anyone even a little close to me can probably guess it. For a long time this thing really convinced me of a lot of things about myself that I still believe when I am depressed, my self esteem has never been very high but I feel like this thing only destroyed it even further. It caused me a lot of damage and I’ve lost so many friends and opportunities because of it.  Honestly I feel like I am barely scraping the bottom of the level of hell this thing put me through for a long long time. I thought that after eliminating that thing from my life that it would not bother me any longer but I could not be more wrong. It is now at a point that without divine intervention I don’t think I will ever be free of it and it is THAT realization that caused me to be depressed a lot for the second half of lat year.

But with the beginning of 2015 I came to the realization that even if I can never be free of it I can still develop the strength to keep this thing from ruining my life and making me eternally miserable. That is one of my goals for 2015; along with developing a stronger sense of who I am as a person and learn not to be so easily compromised by people who don’t really care about me. I don’t have many other goals for this year as of now but I feel like if I can keep those two in my heart always, then 2015 should be a good year for me.

It ought to be, I’ve actually been looking forward greatly to 2015 for a very long time. You see, in the Chinese zodiac calendar, this year is the year of the sheep. I was born in the year of the sheep, according to many zodiac things I’ve been reading, this year is supposed to be a very prosperous year for me. I’d like to think that will be the case but I know I can’t always depend on luck, I have to make it for myself. And so I will.

Those born in the year of the sheep are said to be gentle, kind, compassionate and have a great love for beauty. I think these things describe me perfectly! However they can also be very shy, moody and overly sensitive which I think also describes me. I don’t know what will happen this year but I hope to not let the lesser qualities of being a sheep overcome the good qualities.

As far as cons go, honestly I really don’t know about going to cons this year at all. Even the ones I’ve previously mentioned. All my direction is pointed toward Japan and even though I said before that I do not regret not going in 2012 when I had the chance, I really REALLY want to go this time! Recently some things have happened to make me really question if I ever want to go to Anime Matsuri again but I know that it may very well be the last time I see any of my friends this year before December so I feel very conflicted about that. I am also considering AWA and Anime Next too. But one thing is certain, only one con this year. Which it will be, I do not know yet.

In the meantime I hope that 2015 is prosperous and happy for all of my followers and friends, even those not born in the year of the sheep! Let’s make it a wonderful year!

Last lolita shot of 2014, from International Lolita Day back in December. Finally got a Chantilly dress! <3

Yours Jasmine

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