Thursday, February 18, 2016

No Title~

Hello Everyone

Just a warning, this is going to be a long post. It’s filled with thoughts and feelings that have been filling up my mind for years that only now (and due to a recent drastic turn of events in my life) do I feel safe writing about. Also I want to apologize in advance because I feel like I will inevitably end up upsetting or disappointing someone I care about who will read this.

I guess I’ll just flat out say it: I feel like I’m growing out of lolita fashion. Lately I’ve been seeing more and more of it’s flaws and drama and corruption in certain parts of the community has really left me very discouraged and sad. It makes me even sadder because I know so many kind and uncorrupt lolitas who hate the drama and bullshit as much as I do but I just feel that for me personally, it’s eating away too much of me and I feel like I need to take an indefinite hiatus from lolita until I can get a stronger grip on a lot of things; but one thing in particular.

There have been many times over the last few years that I felt like I needed to take a hiatus from the jfashion and convention scene, but I stayed mainly because I didn’t want to disappoint people close to me, but more importantly, I wanted to prove to myself that I was not a weak person.

I’ve mentioned this rather vaguely many times on this blog out of fear of backlash but I’m not afraid anymore. You see, for the last few years I’ve been going through emotional and psychological Hell  in the form of someone I thought was my friend, dare I say it, someone I though I loved. To say that this person caused me anguish wouldn’t even be putting it lightly.

This person bullied me, talked about me behind my back, slandered me and many times nearly drove me to end my life. But probably the worse thing this person did was put me in an extremely compromising situation which resulted in me being ASSULTED at a convention in 2011 and then blackmailed me all throughout 2012 to keep them from gossiping about what had happened to me all the while telling nearly everyone we mutually know about the incident, slut shaming me and constantly reminding me of how I was no longer “pure” or “good” and how I was worthless because I was not skinny or Asian. In their mind, the only way to be a good lolita was to be rich, skinny, pale and pretty and since I was none of those things I did not deserve to have any friends or be happy. Hell in their twisted mind I deserved what happened to me because I wasn’t asexual like them! This incident was a huge blow to my already low sense of self worth and has made it hard for me to trust people, especially those I’d want to be romantically involved with.

When I finally dropped this person as a friend I though the torment would end but it didn’t. They continued to cause shit for me all up until as recently as this past January. They slandered me to my local lolita community making it nearly impossible for me to make friends with lolitas in my area, nearly got me removed from VKH with even more lies, HACKING MY EMAIL ACCOUNT, turned many people I thought cared about me against me and tried multiple times to pit my current circle of friends against me. Not to mention the fact that they also stole hundreds from me and friends of mine and at one point even going so far as to almost get one of my best friends banned from a convention and arrested. This person’s constant stalking and harassment has gotten to the point where I have not felt fully, truly safe at a convention since 2014. With the exception of a few select individuals I don't know who I can truly trust and it is a very painful feeling. 

My only crime against them: being a better dressed lolita, having more brand and generally being more socialable and popular. 

When all this first happened I thought about taking a break from the scene for a while but I didn’t want this horrible person to feel like they had “won” over me, not for a second. But the fact remains that I never really gave myself the opportunity to recover from all the abuse this person has dealt me. I just kept pushing through to prove myself strong all the while my psyche was deteriorating.

Well yesterday after an extremely heated fight with my mom, I came to a revelation. Me staying in lolita even after all of these things happening is not strength, it’s foolishness of the highest degree. I’ve proved nothing to anyone and what’s worse is that I’ve wasted years trying to. If I had just taken a hiatus when I thought I should and focus more on myself and my own personal ambitions, who knows how far I could be by now?

At this point between needing to take care of myself and my broken self worth, and the general current tedious nature of the lolita community, I feel like the time has come for me to take a long needed break from it all. What does that mean? I will be selling off about 75% of my lolita wardrobe in the next few weeks and removing myself from the general convention scene and the like for the indefinite future, keeping only the lolita items that mean the most to me like my dream dresses or items that hold strong sentimental value to me. I’ll likely be dipping more in to Otome Kei and my trip to Europe is still on but I don’t know yet if I’ll be going to Under the Sea just yet and if I do, it will likely be for only one day.

I will also be leaving VKH or, if my superiors allow it, take a hiatus from being a writer there with the idea that I would return in the future. My plans for Katsucon next year are not changed but I have no convention plans for the rest of this year save for AWA in order to see those friends closest to me who have always been there for me, you know who you are darlings!

The fact is I do love this fashion and I know that most lolitas are not horrible people like the person who has hurt me for so long. I’ve made so many wonderful friends and made so many beautiful memories that would not have happened if not for this fashion, it has the ability to bring people together in a way other things don’t. I know all this and it makes my hiatus all the more bittersweet but I’m looking ahead of things. Maybe I will get back into it and start con hopping again in the future but for the time being I just want to focus on myself and learning to love myself without lolita being a condition of my self love.

I’ll still update this blog as often as I can, but instead of talking about lolita or convention adventures, I’ll mostly just be writing about the other things of my life, school, my love for history and costuming, my writings, otome kei and vintage movies.  Lastly, to all my dear lolita friends and those I’ve come to know in the last few years, I hope we all can still be friends even with me taking time to focus on other aspects of my life for the time being. I’m hope you all understand and I love you all.

Yours Jasmine

Sunday, January 17, 2016

New Year and Travel Inspiration

Hello Everyone and Happy New Year!

Well, 2015 is over and we are nearly three weeks now into 2016. As of late I’ve been doing a lot of reflection of the previous year and making goals for this one. Though it began rather disastrously and continued as such well into spring, 2015 was certainly a lot less stressful than 2014 and by the end of it I had many fun experiences and made many new friends as well.

Also I came to the realization that I’m not as alone as I once thought I was and that the fact that I am not a very “conventional” or “popular” lolita is okay. I’ve grown a lot as a person and as a fashionista, more so than previous years I think and I want to thank everyone closest to me for helping me all along the way in 2015, from my NOLA dears to my colleagues at VKH, to Timeeka, my mother and one very special individual whose name I will not mention here. >_< I think 2015 can me easily summed up in this one picture:

Lots of travel, meeting wonderful people and fantastic outfits! XD
All in all, 2015 was a good year and I’m happy with the outcome. So far in the last almost three weeks of 2016, things have been mainly positive. I dearly hope that it remains that way, for myself and all those I care about! Let’s make 2016 one badass year!!

My goals for 2016 are more or less the same as they have been in past years, gain more self esteem, learn to be more happy with myself, etc. I also hope to balance my lolita wardrobe more and to wear otome-kei more often since I’m becoming more comfortable with that style. I’ve come to terms with the fact that while I love gyaru, I simply don’t have the confidence nor the appeal to pull it off properly at this stage in my life. Maybe eventually but for the time being I want to try otome more often when not in lolita. Maybe otona-kawaii too.

Katsucon is less than a month away but even though I will be going, 90% of my focus is on my trip to Europe which is now a little less than 4 months away. I’m beginning to get a very good idea of what I’ll be doing while there and where I’ll visit. I’m going to start off in London since it’s cheaper to land there than in Amsterdam. I’ll spend a day in London, doing what I’m not fully sure yet but I know for sure I want to visit the Tower of London at some point and see Anne Boleyn’s final resting place and pay my respects to my favorite female historical figure.

After London I’ll take a train to Amsterdam and spend afew days there. I’m really looking forward to Under the Sea! I have my outfits more or less fully planned now and I’m very excited to see everyone’s amazing coords and meeting European lolitas too. I also can’t wait to meet Kimura U for the first time, she is so adorable!! *o*
Finally, soon after the Under the Sea tea party, I’ll take another train to France where my European adventure will conclude. I’ve dreamed of visiting France since I was a little girl, from watching To Catch a Thief with Grace Kelly and watching the cartoon Madeline on Disney Channel about the iconic little red headed orphan and her adventures living in a Catholic boarding school in Paris with 11 other girls. It seems so unreal that in a few months I will actually be there!

In spite of all my excitement though, I will, for the most part be taking this trip completely alone. I do hope to make new friends at Under the Sea or maybe while I’m in France, but I will still be on my own for a good portion of the trip. At first it did bother me a little but not anymore.

I’ve been watching a lot of videos of another of my female inspirations, Samantha Brown. Watching her many shows on Travel Channel were as much a part of my growing up as anything else. She is so awesome with such a great sense of humor and because she does most of her travel shows unaccompanied, she has inspired me and helped me believe that I can travel solo and not feel alone or unsafe. She really is an inspiration for any aspiring female traveler.

Samantha Brown’s Passport to Europe episode in Paris. It’s a little cliché (okay very, very cliché!) but considering this show came out in 2004 and only ran 30 minutes at a time and a proper Paris showcase would easily take at least an hour, it’s still awesome. And look! Laduree is featured! XD

Samantha Brown’s Passport to Europe London episode. Slightly less cliché. lol I do wish she had done an episode in Amsterdam though.

So yeah I’m very excited! This is going to be such an amazing trip that honestly, being alone ought to be the least of my worries. I’ll be posting more as my trip gets closer. Also I’m excited to say that this year I’ll be doing my first lolita wardrobe post! I think my wardrobe is finally as a size decent enough for an adequate wardrobe post but I will likely not be doing it until February though because I’m currently in the process of moving many things around in my house and probably won’t be done until the end of the month. I’ve been checking out many wardrobe posts from my favorite lolita’s and friends from past years for inspiration. I look forward to sharing my wardrobe with you all.

In the meantime though I hope everyone has a happy 2016 filled with happiness, prosperity, adventure and love.

Yours Jasmine