Thursday, February 18, 2016

No Title~

Hello Everyone

Just a warning, this is going to be a long post. It’s filled with thoughts and feelings that have been filling up my mind for years that only now (and due to a recent drastic turn of events in my life) do I feel safe writing about. Also I want to apologize in advance because I feel like I will inevitably end up upsetting or disappointing someone I care about who will read this.

I guess I’ll just flat out say it: I feel like I’m growing out of lolita fashion. Lately I’ve been seeing more and more of it’s flaws and drama and corruption in certain parts of the community has really left me very discouraged and sad. It makes me even sadder because I know so many kind and uncorrupt lolitas who hate the drama and bullshit as much as I do but I just feel that for me personally, it’s eating away too much of me and I feel like I need to take an indefinite hiatus from lolita until I can get a stronger grip on a lot of things; but one thing in particular.

There have been many times over the last few years that I felt like I needed to take a hiatus from the jfashion and convention scene, but I stayed mainly because I didn’t want to disappoint people close to me, but more importantly, I wanted to prove to myself that I was not a weak person.

I’ve mentioned this rather vaguely many times on this blog out of fear of backlash but I’m not afraid anymore. You see, for the last few years I’ve been going through emotional and psychological Hell  in the form of someone I thought was my friend, dare I say it, someone I though I loved. To say that this person caused me anguish wouldn’t even be putting it lightly.

This person bullied me, talked about me behind my back, slandered me and many times nearly drove me to end my life. But probably the worse thing this person did was put me in an extremely compromising situation which resulted in me being ASSULTED at a convention in 2011 and then blackmailed me all throughout 2012 to keep them from gossiping about what had happened to me all the while telling nearly everyone we mutually know about the incident, slut shaming me and constantly reminding me of how I was no longer “pure” or “good” and how I was worthless because I was not skinny or Asian. In their mind, the only way to be a good lolita was to be rich, skinny, pale and pretty and since I was none of those things I did not deserve to have any friends or be happy. Hell in their twisted mind I deserved what happened to me because I wasn’t asexual like them! This incident was a huge blow to my already low sense of self worth and has made it hard for me to trust people, especially those I’d want to be romantically involved with.

When I finally dropped this person as a friend I though the torment would end but it didn’t. They continued to cause shit for me all up until as recently as this past January. They slandered me to my local lolita community making it nearly impossible for me to make friends with lolitas in my area, nearly got me removed from VKH with even more lies, HACKING MY EMAIL ACCOUNT, turned many people I thought cared about me against me and tried multiple times to pit my current circle of friends against me. Not to mention the fact that they also stole hundreds from me and friends of mine and at one point even going so far as to almost get one of my best friends banned from a convention and arrested. This person’s constant stalking and harassment has gotten to the point where I have not felt fully, truly safe at a convention since 2014. With the exception of a few select individuals I don't know who I can truly trust and it is a very painful feeling. 

My only crime against them: being a better dressed lolita, having more brand and generally being more socialable and popular. 

When all this first happened I thought about taking a break from the scene for a while but I didn’t want this horrible person to feel like they had “won” over me, not for a second. But the fact remains that I never really gave myself the opportunity to recover from all the abuse this person has dealt me. I just kept pushing through to prove myself strong all the while my psyche was deteriorating.

Well yesterday after an extremely heated fight with my mom, I came to a revelation. Me staying in lolita even after all of these things happening is not strength, it’s foolishness of the highest degree. I’ve proved nothing to anyone and what’s worse is that I’ve wasted years trying to. If I had just taken a hiatus when I thought I should and focus more on myself and my own personal ambitions, who knows how far I could be by now?

At this point between needing to take care of myself and my broken self worth, and the general current tedious nature of the lolita community, I feel like the time has come for me to take a long needed break from it all. What does that mean? I will be selling off about 75% of my lolita wardrobe in the next few weeks and removing myself from the general convention scene and the like for the indefinite future, keeping only the lolita items that mean the most to me like my dream dresses or items that hold strong sentimental value to me. I’ll likely be dipping more in to Otome Kei and my trip to Europe is still on but I don’t know yet if I’ll be going to Under the Sea just yet and if I do, it will likely be for only one day.

I will also be leaving VKH or, if my superiors allow it, take a hiatus from being a writer there with the idea that I would return in the future. My plans for Katsucon next year are not changed but I have no convention plans for the rest of this year save for AWA in order to see those friends closest to me who have always been there for me, you know who you are darlings!

The fact is I do love this fashion and I know that most lolitas are not horrible people like the person who has hurt me for so long. I’ve made so many wonderful friends and made so many beautiful memories that would not have happened if not for this fashion, it has the ability to bring people together in a way other things don’t. I know all this and it makes my hiatus all the more bittersweet but I’m looking ahead of things. Maybe I will get back into it and start con hopping again in the future but for the time being I just want to focus on myself and learning to love myself without lolita being a condition of my self love.

I’ll still update this blog as often as I can, but instead of talking about lolita or convention adventures, I’ll mostly just be writing about the other things of my life, school, my love for history and costuming, my writings, otome kei and vintage movies.  Lastly, to all my dear lolita friends and those I’ve come to know in the last few years, I hope we all can still be friends even with me taking time to focus on other aspects of my life for the time being. I’m hope you all understand and I love you all.

Yours Jasmine


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