Tuesday, January 24, 2017

How Far I’ll Go

Hello Everyone!

As of late the news has been more depressing than usual. With the weather being cold, wet and rainy all over the DMV since the inauguration, it’s as though Heaven is angry as well. I’m trying not to become too depressed though, so here is a topic I’ve wanted to write about for a while now.

Last year I made the decision to begin learning dance again. I say “again” because in truth I’ve been dancing on and off for most of my adolescence even though I only took formal classes as a child. I’ve always secretly been obsessed with dance, especially ballet. One of my favorite cartoons was Angelina Ballerina and every Christmas I would faithfully watch the 1977 production of the Nutcracker with Mikhail Baryshinkov and Gelsey Kirkland on PBS.

I guess it was only natural I would learn to love ballet since my mom took it for many years before I was born, when I was five she finally took me to take classes at Towson University. However, I did not enjoy it as much as I thought I would, I still wanted to learn but something about the class just did not sit well with me. Since I’ve always considered myself something of a freak I just thought it was not for me so I did not fuss when mom stopped taking me. Many years later though I came to understand why I did not fit in well with the other little girls and the class from listening to my mom’s story on why she decided to give up ballet.

It’s a sad reality but up until very recently there has not been much diversity in ballet. Girls of color or with curves tend not to fit in there well. Even when I watched ballet on tv all of the dancers seemed beyond reproach to me, making my feelings of being a freak stronger. By the time I felt ready to go back to ballet I was already pushing a C cup and any attempt for me to do so would just be vulgar. Overdevelopment was the same reason why my mom stopped ballet too; she was told she did not fit but her body was more suited for African dancing though. Sadly our time had passed.

However I could never fully forget my love for dancing and I tried to manifest it in different ways growing up, mainly through my writing and artwork (my principal OC is a ballerina) but in other ways too. I love eurodance and like to try to copy the dance moves of my fafotire artists and groups and I also like doing odottemitta in my free time as well. Sadly though due to some painful memories from my childhood and adolescence I haven’t yet felt comfortable dancing in front of other people or joining any classes or odottemitta groups.

Early last year though I was struck with a strong sense of inspiration and thought about wanting to do ballet again. But I’ve kept the thoughts to myself until just very recently because honestly I’ve been giving myself excuse after excuse on why it would be insulting for me to even try to dance ballet again. I’m too ugly to dance, too awkward, too big and overdeveloped. My skin is not pale enough, I have scoliosis. But they were all just excuses, honestly there is nothing really holding me back except my constant feeling of inferiority and fear of failure which has dictated nearly everything in my life. Since I’ve decided that enough is enough this year, what better way to kick start that attitude then with returning to something I have had buried in my heart for the last 15 years of my life?

And then I saw this video:

Skip to 17:43. Though this woman is probably more than double my size and it shows in some of her technique, it’s still incredible and I truthfully cried when I saw this. That this woman is still doing what she loves and is fulfilling her dream despite her size is amazing. And I never thought it possible for a girl her size to be able to do pointe work.

And this:

Now I know. Beyond any doubt in my mind now I know that I must start learning ballet again. And so I will, secretly since October I’ve been looking at many tutorials on YouTube and have been freshening up on the things I’ve learned in school, the five basic positions and afew other basics too. I think I’m now ready so next month I will begin the adult beginner ballet classes at either Baltimore Ballet or Towson University. I don’t which yet though.

It will be difficult, and it won’t be easy. My ultimate goal in this is to at the very least learn now to perform en pointe. That has honestly been my dream since I was five year old. That will take a lot of hard work I know, I’m giving myself three years minimum to get to that point. Understand I have neither desire nor illusions to be the next Isadora Duncan or Misty Coppeland, I’m now 25 and it’s too late for that. I could not dance professionally even if I wanted to. But I have learned that once you’ve found something you love truly, it will always be there with you. No matter how hard you try to bury it, there it is. My dream of dancing has always been with me even if in only the smallest voice inside my head. Now that I’ve decided to stop ignoring it, Heaven only knows how far I’ll go.

And now I am quoting Moana. You all get the point. End of entry.

Yours Jasmine

Saturday, January 21, 2017

Armageddon of Hypocrisy

I know it’s not the best title but I didn’t actually plan to post anything today. This is more like a long ass rant than anything else. Humor me please.

I have many issues with modern day activism; but namely that for every one reasonable, rational, level headed person who sees a genuine issue that needs to be remedied in our system, there are five pretentious and entitled Tumblr twats who just want to cause shit when they don’t get (what they think) they want.

From the Black Lives Matter movement to 21st century feminism, all of these movements have for the most part been damned and poisoned by the pretentious and loud jerkasses who claim to act out in their name. For this reason I can see why it would be hard for anyone on the outside to really sympathize with them. Sad as it is that’s how people tend to think these days, you are blamed and generalized based on the group you are in, even if you didn’t do anything wrong.

I have so many opinions on this recent presidential election; most of them if I were to get into them here would probably take up three pages of this blog. But for all of my thoughts, one thing I feel for certain is that in the end we have no one but ourselves to blame for Orange Man (I refuse to use his name on this blog; that is my one concession to childishness) being the president of this country. Not Russia, not the Alt Right/Neo Nazis/KKK, us. Those who were going to support Orange Man were going to do so and do whatever it took to make sure he won. It was our job to stop them. And with Bernie Sanders throwing all of his support and begging his supporters to vote for Hillary Clinton and the third party candidates being woefully unprepared and unintelligent at best and paranoid pandering anti science nuts at worst, unless you voted for Hillary Clinton you had a hand in this man’s victory and he is indebted to you. Period.

But I don’t want to get into that now, not here. What I want to talk about is the fuckery that went on yesterday during the protests. While I may not always agree with it, I fully support and respect the right to peacefully assemble. This country has a long history of protest and our right to do so is one of the few things I like about this country.  It was to be expected that protests would occur tomorrow and honestly if I didn’t have to work I would have joined in the protests too.
HOWEVER, of course what should have been a demonstration of how the rational majority of this country is not happy with the corruption of the new administration was poisoned by a bunch of fucks that decided to cause shit and make the protests violent. Setting fires to cars, smashing in the windows of businesses and destroying public property. So much for progress!

This is why baby boomers and gen x’ers call us entitled and whiny. This is why progress will always come at a slow pace. Now before I continue let me say that I know that the majority of my friends and the majority of those who do protest do not fit in this category by a long shot. In fact, based on recent videos I have reason to suspect that the dipshits reeking havoc yesterday were mainly anarchists. But for some reason anyone who has the ability to express a dissenting opinion peacefully is automatically lumped together with the volatile crybabies. 

I know this is how most activism works sadly, but it still grinds my gears to no end. Because not only do these assholes drown out any reasonable discourse with their loudness, they also endanger those who do wish to protest peacefully. When the cops come to break up any unrest and they see people rioting and reeking havoc they aren’t going to make the separation of those who is needing to be dealt with and those peacefully exercising their right to free speech. No. They are going to see everyone as disruptive and start cracking skulls. And the media isn’t going to make that separation either because it does not make for interesting news.

Finally public opinion is only going to see these one or two loud volatile bastards as a representation of the entire movement and the cause is lost because if it’s one thing I’ve learned from observing this election is that it’s all about perception because the public is fickle. I know so many reasonable people who have become frustrated with this and feel like because of it nothing will ever change.

It is as heart breaking as it is enraging. But what it most hilarious to me is that I’m willing to bet that NONE of these assholes even voted in the first place or voted stupidly. They are probably the same idiots who allowed themselves to be spoon fed to the media the idea of Hillary Clinton as some real life Cersei Lannister with a secret email address of doom filled with emails which will bring forth Armageddon and in turn fed the same idea to others through dank memes and fake news pandering to those who hate Hillary so much they would rather risk a much more problematic danger to our country come to power. I’m sorry but unless you voted, you have no right to be angry about the outcome and no right to protest, peacefully or otherwise.

Cut to today, several of my friends are in DC again for the Women’s March of Washington. I hope you all remain safe. Stay strong and while these assholes may try to poison our cause, we must still keep fighting because contrary to popular belief, doing nothing at all does not solve anything.

Yours Jasmine

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

I’m a Freak and I Don’t Care

Hello Everyone!

That may seem like an odd title for a post but I couldn’t really think of another, and honestly I think it fits the theme perfectly.

Back last year when I was preparing to return to blogging I was trying to figure out what general theme my blog was going to focus on. For the longest time this blog was for the most part a Jfashion blog with a little Jrock and convention stuff sprinkled here and there for good measure. But seeing that I am taking a back seat from those things for the indefinite future I’ve been trying to figure out what I could write about now.

I thought about this being a travel blog since I’m planning to do a lot more travel in the future, particularly overseas. But I still don’t travel enough to justify this as a travel blog. I thought about a history blog but judging by how the people in my life respond when I rant about random occurrences in the past, I don’t think that would make for an interesting blog. I also thought maybe a general fashion/beauty blog with a focus on vintage style but there are enough of those already.

I think my main problem is that there are too many things in my life that I do, things that I love and things that I am equally passionate about. I’ve always had a problem with focus though I think I’m getting better at that. Still I have too many things I love and equally too many things I’d like to share/write about.

Hence the title of this post. I’m a freak, I know I am and I’m beginning to come to accept it. From my stark contrasts in the music I love, to the way I always compare things to things I read about in history books. Though there are much deeper reasons why I consider myself a freak, I’m now referring to how this blog for the time being has no focus at all.

There will be times I write about history, there will be times I write about music or my travels, hell there will also be times I write about my cat. Another thing I’m also going to start writing about are my own opinions on current events, politics and my personal issues with modern day feminism and activism (or lack there of). I will be making my posts more personal, and before when I’ve hidden my own feeling on certain topics I will no longer do. That’s a lot I know, but I’ve come to terms with the fact that I am a weird person and my passions run deep in my heart. At least this should make things a lot more interesting in the future.

Yours Jasmine 

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

I’m Back!

Hello Everyone! Happy New Year!

After nearly a year away, I am back to writing. As you can see I’ve made quite afew changes to the look and layout of this blog; a small part of a larger set of changes I’ve been going through for the last 3 months.

I ended up not going to Under the Sea after all and I won’t be going to the next SFE event in Spain either. But I did still take my trip to Europe anyway. It was incredible. I honestly achieved a lot through this trip and it helped my confidence a lot considering I planned the trip more or less all by myself. I never felt like I was capable of doing such a thing. I’m now very excited to start traveling a lot more now, no longer for conventions or lolita events but just in general. There are so many places I want to go, so much I want to do. It’s funny that out of such a long spell of depression and anguish I feel more determined than ever to be happy and live out my dreams.

Even though honestly 2016 was not very eventful outside my trip, and the collapse of my countries moral fiber, which is beside the point.

I have not fully given up lolita yet, but I am more and more moving away from the community as a whole and selling more of my items. I have few plans for conventions in the future, no more staffing at Katsucon either. As of now I will only go to conventions if at least 3 of my very close friends go too or an extremely high priority guest is announced. Though it was painful at first, I’m becoming more content with my decisions. I’m moving forward into a new and important chapter of my life and I’m looking forward to sharing it with you all.

As of now my only plans are returning to school in afew months and taking another trip to Europe soon. One thing that did happen to me last year is that I began a new relationship with someone in France, I really do feel like I am in love with this person. It’s incredible because for so long I have felt like I was unworthy of love but I know that was in part because of my incredible sense of self hatred. Since starting this relationship I’m beginning to see that I am worth loving and am beginning to see the things in me that are worth loving to. It’s hard to explain but it’s a wonderful feeling.  

Needless to say I’ll be planning many more overseas trips now because of this. Though I don’t know when I’ll be returning to Europe yet because I’m waiting for something else to happen first, something I’ve been hoping to happen for a very long time, something I dare not even dream about that now seems frighteningly closer than I could ever imagine. But I know that wherever my next trip will take me, it will be amazing.

One of my goals for this year is to write more, so I will be making an honest to god effort to keep this blog as updates as I can from now on. I’ll be posting again later this week with an outline of the future of this blog, look forward to it!

Yours Jasmine